Just as most of us are, the last week or so, I have been reflecting on life in 2019. Most tend to say that the year “flew by”, but as I look back, I feel almost the exact opposite. I blame pregnancy mostly (because it’s true, the last month has creeeeeped), but also because I feel like I’m a bit of a different person than I was a year ago. A year ago I was celebrating being newly married, was naively thinking I would have a new baby by the summer, and felt that I had complete control over my life. As 2019 started though, I quickly realized that control was the last thing I had.
Jake and I were attending a church we liked, both had jobs we enjoyed, a beautiful home and supportive family; but come February I felt empty inside. One Thursday night, after a long 10 hour workday, I was standing in our kitchen and couldn’t stop crying. Sobbing actually. After Jake doing and saying everything he could to help me talk through my feelings, I cried some more. I felt a sense of emptiness. And guilt. Life wasn’t timing up to what I thought it would be. I had felt like I was sprinting as fast as I could on a treadmill, and just as a treadmill works, going nowhere and making zero progress. My job wasn’t satisfying me. We weren’t pregnant. It was cold, gray, and miserable in Cleveland. The list went on. I woke up the next day eyes puffy and swollen. The confidence and control I felt heading into the new year was already gone.
As weeks passed, I poured my energy into finally launching this blog. I bought a website, scheduled a branding photoshoot with my girl Kayla, and got the guts to JUST DO IT! It was everything I needed to distract myself from still desperately wanting to have a baby.
I told myself I would focus on Jake more, giving him my attention that he deserved, and would pray and accept the timeline given to us. Inside though, I knew that I wasn’t praying with faith, but rather begging God.
I was living hypocritically.
Not only was I living as a hypocrite, I was feeling tremendous guilt as well. My life wasn’t bad. It wasn’t even close to being terrible. Jake and I had been married for 9 months, lived in a beautiful home, and had been trying to get pregnant for less than a year still… what the hell was I complaining about?!
Eventually, we got pregnant (obviously LOL), and the sun came out again in Cleveland. Through those few months of questioning though, I learned a lot about myself, my relationship with my husband, and most importantly the timing of God, and His plan He had for us.
I’ve mentioned it in previous posts, but God’s timing will ALWAYS win. You can sit in church every Sunday and cry your eyes out, begging for your wants. You can pour yourself into a job or a hobby to distract from the real self-doubt you’re having. Until you allow yourself to truly surrender and let go, you won’t get what you’re looking for. For me, that moment was during a weekend getaway to San Francisco with Jake. A trip I almost didn’t take with him because I felt too overwhelmed with my emotions. After those four days though, I cried coming home to Cleveland; for the first time in over 6 months I hadn’t begged or questioned, but rather simply let go and enjoyed time with my husband. If I had been pregnant or swamped with more work, I would have never gotten those memories with him. And that, THAT is what God needed to see from me.
I recently saw the above video of Hoda Kobt on Instagram and it punched me right in the gut. “Just in case you’re at home and you’re wondering, ‘When’s my year?’ Your year might be coming. Wait wisely.”
God’s timing will always win, so surrender, and wait. Your year is coming.
Looking ahead into this new year, I pray not for things or experiences, but the ability to wait wisely for what’s next. Now I won’t be praying and wishing for a new baby this year… but there’s always something. As humans, I’m not sure if we are ever naturally satisfied. Whatever I may be wanting next after baby, I will pray that my time will eventually come. My year, my week, my big break will come. For now though, I’ll wait wisely. I’ll pray the same for you as well. XOXO,