It’s 2pm on a Thursday, and I’m rocking my 9 month old, while he’s finishing up his second nap of the day. His second nap is never as great as his first. Usually within an hour he starts stirring, but isn’t quite ready to be up for the rest of the evening. I sneak into his nursery and let him snooze for another 25 minutes or so… and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t often tear up during this time. My baby that once fit just across my chest, who gave off those gassy smiles while he slept for hours on end; he’s now sprawled across me, barely fitting within the width of the chair, snoring with his hands under his chin. My sweet baby is growing right before my eyes, now 9 months old, rounding the corner to one year. Truth be told though, it hurts my momma heart. Where did the time go? Where did my newborn baby go? So for now, I’ll keep sneaking into his nursery every afternoon… because one day, one day he’ll sleep just fine without me.
Now that I’m officially nine months postpartum, I wanted to give an update on how I’m doing physically, mentally, emotionally, and the overall changes I’ve gone through/made since Connor has come into this world.
Someone once told me that it will take at least nine months to physically feel back to your true self, sometimes a year. I’ve been blessed that my physical recovery was extremely easy. Even once I was home from the hospital, it didn’t take long for me to start moving normally again. I lost my baby weight fairly quickly, but please don’t be fooled; my body is in a much different place from my pre-baby self. I have loose skin on my sides, stretch marks that came literally at 38 weeks pregnant, and a belly that may never be perfectly flat again. Truth be told, I struggled with this for a while, and at times, still do. It’s no secret that I have an ugly past with body dysmorphia, but along with many other things that come with motherhood, I’ve become much less selfish. My body hasn’t been mine for almost two years. My body though, it grew, fed, and nourished my baby. That’s pretty freakin awesome!
Mentally; over the past nine months, I’ve made much improvement. Looking back I think I had a little bit of postpartum anxiety. I wasn’t able to leave Connor for more than a few minutes without irrational fears popping into my mind. I also don’t want to make anything more dramatic than it needs to be, understanding that the majority of mothers most likely feel the same way. Nothing I felt was extreme. Things that helped me though were: Working out daily. Doing at least one thing out of the house. (Even if it’s just a drive down the street to grab a coffee, or stroll the aisles at Whole Foods.) Connor finally napping in his crib! (And giving me a moment alone through the day.) A supportive husband, that handles things when he gets home, like bedtime. And as of recent, I’m working on setting an alarm so I can get moving before Connor each morning. Staying motivated to write and collaborate helps as well.
I did have quite a bit of hair fall out around 6 months PP. It’s now growing back, but not without a price in weird and awkward sections along my hairline. Like I mentioned above, yes, I have stretch marks, and still also suffering from pretty mild hormonal acne.
In regards to breast feeding; I’ll keep it short and simple. I’m no longer nursing, but feel confident in MY decision over this. I believe it’s nobody’s business other than my own, and no matter how your baby is fed, fed is best. I’ll always cherish those intimate early mornings and middle of the night feeds with Con <3
I’ve learned that it’s good for us to be apart too. I can let him be in the other room. I can also let him fuss a little bit.. without breaking out into the sweats. Or an even bigger step I’ve started doing- going to work on Saturdays. Those days are important for me to find an outlet, and for Jake and Connor to bond as well.
If I could give one piece of advice to new moms, or something I wish others would have told me, it’s that it DOES get easier. A cloud will lift, and suddenly life feels back to normal, or should I say that you will find your new normal. Today, I’m not scared to pack up and go. Connor and I BOTH need it. I now give myself grace. I grew a human! It hasn’t come easy to my type-A personality, but day by day, I get better.
Overall, I miss being pregnant. Well, maybe not the sleepless nights and lack of wardrobe options. But until you’ve experienced it, you’ll struggle to understand the bond you feel with your baby. Knowing how safe and sound they are, and the ability to keep them with you at all times. I selfishly crave those moments again.
It’s hard to believe Connor is 9 months. He’s officially been in this world for as long as he was in my belly. And now he’ll be one before we know it. It’s hard to take in. Of course I’m excited to see Connor grow into a personality, and to interact and play with others; but my heart is sad too. It feels like yesterday I held him on my chest for the very first time. It’s bittersweet, to say the least. “Time flies”, everyone says… they’re not wrong.
Every stretch mark, sleepless night, and extra strong coffee is worth it, sweet Connor. I’ll never stop telling you how much you are loved. The world is so much better now that you’ve been in it for the last 9 months <3
Thanks for reading, friends. XOXO,